You may have noticed
a new button at the top of each post.(Temporarily removed until I can figure out why it breaks Safari.) This button, when clicked, turns each post into an audio file so that you may listen to it. It is a computer reading it ( sounds like MacOSX to me, specifically Bruce). But it’s neat. You can subscribe to it by clicking HERE, which should open iTunes for you, or which ever RSS reader you may be using.
Anyway, Smoking and not smoking. Not as good as I might like…but a butt load better than I’ve done before. It helped that I stayed home with the 3 most wonderful ladies in the world all weekend. Nice days, great nights. A happy Father’s day, indeed.
I gotta be honest here. Life is sucking pretty bad right now. There are many reasons, but collectively they stem from one: Being psychologically and physically addicted to smoking cigarettes. I’ve fucked up in a lot of different ways related to that. Going into detail on how ain’t gonna happen here. That is between Psycho-Momia and I. But I will say that every fucking day, I find a new way that I’ve hurt her and the girls by continuing to feed the addiction.
If you don’t think smoking is as bad as say, heroin, you are wrong. Not preaching, just venting, and organizing my thoughts here…
It may not kill you as quickly, and most people won’t literally kill for a smoke, but it hurts you and those you love just as much.
I cannot fix the past. I cannot right the wrongs I’ve done. I can’t even ask for forgiveness.
I can hope to not allow these things to happen in the future.
I’m angry. With the unnamed girl who literally stuck a lit cigarette in my mouth at 15. I’m angry with the adults around me who smoked like chimneys, allowing a deep grained perception that it was ok.
Mostly I’m angry with myself. For not staying quit when I did it 20 years ago, for being too “weak” to resist it, for lying to myself about it. For lying about it to the ones I love. For breaking hearts…
That’s enough for now. Losing control… and I don’t want to explain to the girls why I’m crying.
Currently playing in iTunes: Love Song by Tesla
The Magician by Brian Froud
I have loved this pic ever since the first time I saw it.
I could go on for hours about what it says to me. I will spare you all that.
I will leave it at this:
When I look into my minds mirror, this is very close to what I see.