Tag Archives: sad

A double dad quandry

So I’ve had this post percolating in my brain for a few days. So, of course, it won’t be as good as it would’ve been had I just wrote it.

Anyway, being a dad means to be there. Always be there. If life turns in a way that Parents can no longer be partners, still be there. Don’t use the Kids as weapons against one another, don’t forget the kids are there, don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep. Be there financially – even if means you eat ramen, and drink Piels.

Don’t be like my old man, and lead by bad example. He would pop up every few years through my childhood, take us out a couple of times, and then leave us waiting by the window for a man who never came.

In my mid-teens, circumstances came about where I went to live with him. Horrible. I ended up decking his wife (not proud of that, but it was necessary)(and a story for another time.) Not long after that, I split. I don’t think he ever looked for me.

What kind of man is that?

He’s not a bad man, just not a very good one. And a piss poor excuse for a father. His tally: One daughter who wants nothing to do with him, one son who just wants to know why (that’s me…) one step-son who at last word was trying not to be too much of a burden on society, and another son who flunked Kindergarten twice, held up an off duty cop at knifepoint, and has spent (last I knew, anyway) most of his adult life behind bars. (Update: I had felt somewhat concerned about saying this. I mean, what if he had straightened out… But, as I just found that his last arrest was a month and a half ago, for armed robbery amongst other things, I don’t feel bad at all.)

The whole reason behind this, is that he popped up again – sorta. Every six months or so, I get an email, or phone call from his wife – never is it from him. This time she says he’ll be in the area in July, and she’s going to make sure he has my number. I haven’t laid eyes on the SOB for 13 years this time – he’s never met my wife, he knows I have kids, but has never seen them.

Supposedly, he came up this way (he now lives in Florida) last summer, but got lost and couldn’t find my number (strangely enough…it’s actually listed)(under the name he saddled me with)(please don’t prank call me….).

Do I invite him back into my life?
Do I ignore his existence?
Do I deny the girls a chance (slim though it may be) at a Gramppa?
I have to make a decision fairly soon… he’s supposed to be up starting the 10th of July….

The last time I got into this, was in the early 90’s. I chased him down because I was leaving the area, and I knew his brother Kris was in the area I was heading to.
(Sorry, Unca Kris…I know I was not the best person at that time. I still had a lot to learn about life.)

It ended badly. All I wanted was to get a phone call from him on my birthday – not even a card, just a call. Needless to say, it never came. That night, I wrote the following, and sent it to him. Never got a reply – still haven’t.

Years have passed with no sight of you
Tears have drained and I’ve not a clue
Why on that day I waited and waited
And again you didn’t show
Years gone by
Are you ashamed of what I’ve become
Or shamed by what I haven’t done
Alone all those years when I needed someone
To guide me down this rocky road
That you’ve traveled along
And now I’ve started upon
A burning star bright fire
A guiding hand clasped in mine
A wondering child with a thousand questions
Searching for the answers no one else could give
Scared and scarred from a life denied
Something everyone needs to survive
A teacher and a friend
Years gone by I needed you
I learned to cry as I wondered why
You could not be found, You never came around
I learned how to lie, the others kissed you goodbye
Holding on to a fantasy I kept on telling those fucking lies
To myself, making excuses that never helped
Now comes a time we’re reunited once again
Came a day when in my heart I called you friend
Then came that special day when I wanted to say
All those years gone by didn’t matter
That after all this time you still remembered
As well as I do the same for you
Oh, how badly I wanted that fading dream to come true
Time marched on I watched as it ticked away
Waiting for a sign a sight or a simple sound
Day into night night into dawn
None ever came another year gone
Eating away at my soul, the questions rise again
Unwanted but undaunted driving me down
To the foul pits of despair
Celebration of birth ‑ now destroyed
Through all my time curious to my worth
In your world seen through your eyes
Only to find I have none
I can imagine no fate worse
If I have none ‑where were you?
As I walked that road alone
Once again ‑ where were you?

(dedicated to my father) MSA JUNE 8/161992

So faithful readers, what do you think I should do?

What Value hath a Man?

Feeling a bit low. Made the Mistake last night of actually looking at my pay-stub – just under 50% of it gone to deductions. (Taxes, 401k, insurance, etc.) The main reason I work is that I carry all the insurance for the Family – except Psycho-Momia‘s medical. That shit is ridiculously expensive, and we have have fairly good deals. I feel bad for other folx, who might not have as good of benefits.

But still, the non-tangible “pay” of benefits, and knowing that it’s important to have them, doesn’t help the alpha-male “provider” side of me. When I see that my take home pay is roughly a quarter of Psycho-Momia‘s, it’s like a symbolic kick in the balls. Which, I might add, is the worst way to rochambeau someone. Physical pain goes away…

In the day to day, it feels like I work so much, that I never get to be at home with both the girls and Psycho-Momia at the same time.

I am a conflicted man. I have the drummed in values of an older time, where the “man of the house” brings the money, and supports his family, while the “lady of the house” takes care of home, hearth, and kinder… those things are deep within me after years of social indoctrination. Kind of in the monkey brain. Logically, I know that it’s bogus – but it’s very hard to grasp it emotionally…..

Quick Post script: I understand that the previous may not make sense. I am experiencing the much dreaded “clopen” wherein you “Clo”se the store, and then o”pen” the store the next morning. Therefore, I have gotten about 4 hours of sleep since 6 yeaterday morning.

Livin’ on A prayer…

I gotta be honest here. Life is sucking pretty bad right now. There are many reasons, but collectively they stem from one: Being psychologically and physically addicted to smoking cigarettes. I’ve fucked up in a lot of different ways related to that. Going into detail on how ain’t gonna happen here. That is between Psycho-Momia and I. But I will say that every fucking day, I find a new way that I’ve hurt her and the girls by continuing to feed the addiction.

If you don’t think smoking is as bad as say, heroin, you are wrong. Not preaching, just venting, and organizing my thoughts here…

It may not kill you as quickly, and most people won’t literally kill for a smoke, but it hurts you and those you love just as much.

I cannot fix the past. I cannot right the wrongs I’ve done. I can’t even ask for forgiveness.

I can hope to not allow these things to happen in the future.

I’m angry. With the unnamed girl who literally stuck a lit cigarette in my mouth at 15. I’m angry with the adults around me who smoked like chimneys, allowing a deep grained perception that it was ok.

Mostly I’m angry with myself. For not staying quit when I did it 20 years ago, for being too “weak” to resist it, for lying to myself about it. For lying about it to the ones I love. For breaking hearts…

That’s enough for now. Losing control… and I don’t want to explain to the girls why I’m crying.

Currently playing in iTunes: Love Song by Tesla