I gotta be honest here. Life is sucking pretty bad right now. There are many reasons, but collectively they stem from one: Being psychologically and physically addicted to smoking cigarettes. I’ve fucked up in a lot of different ways related to that. Going into detail on how ain’t gonna happen here. That is between Psycho-Momia and I. But I will say that every fucking day, I find a new way that I’ve hurt her and the girls by continuing to feed the addiction.
If you don’t think smoking is as bad as say, heroin, you are wrong. Not preaching, just venting, and organizing my thoughts here…
It may not kill you as quickly, and most people won’t literally kill for a smoke, but it hurts you and those you love just as much.
I cannot fix the past. I cannot right the wrongs I’ve done. I can’t even ask for forgiveness.
I can hope to not allow these things to happen in the future.
I’m angry. With the unnamed girl who literally stuck a lit cigarette in my mouth at 15. I’m angry with the adults around me who smoked like chimneys, allowing a deep grained perception that it was ok.
Mostly I’m angry with myself. For not staying quit when I did it 20 years ago, for being too “weak” to resist it, for lying to myself about it. For lying about it to the ones I love. For breaking hearts…
That’s enough for now. Losing control… and I don’t want to explain to the girls why I’m crying.
Currently playing in iTunes: Love Song by Tesla